Navigating Grief within the Family: Embracing Individual Journeys

Understanding the Complexity of Grief in Family Dynamics

Grief and loss are as unique as you are. It is possible for an entire family to grieve a loss together as a family unit. In a family of four, you have four unique individuals on a unique and personal journey through a season of grief.

The length, depth, and severity of your grief are not the same for every family member. All can be grieving in the same house, in the same room together, and each is on a journey of their own.

Just because no outward signs of grief are seen does not mean that grief is not being experienced. A person may have an introverted personality and internalize their grief without exhibiting any outward signs. A family member may become quite talkative who is usually quiet, and the opposite can occur as well.

Staying close to family might be just the thing, or being away from them so that you can keep your grief private might be better suited to you. In any case, never judge someone for how they grieve or process their grief. Family members may exhibit behavior that is deemed inappropriate. i.e. Mom (Dad's caregiver for the past six months) seems to be going about life as if nothing happened. She is probably going to be the last to truly grieve. Funeral arrangements, business to take care of, and her natural concern for family will provide temporary distraction. Having loved ones close by also can delay her grieving. Don't go anywhere, she will grieve, and when she does, she will need support and understanding.

Mom might do well until the day that the last family member leaves to return to their daily life, and mom finds herself alone. She might even reach this point the day of the funeral as reality deals her a hard slap in the face. It isn't that mom isn't grieving, she's adjusting. When dad passed, mom was still in caregiver mode. She had things to do and she did them. This can delay grief.

When my grandmother died, my mom was her caregiver. Mom was always the pillar of the family who got things done. Mom helped with funeral arrangements, coordinating with the pastor for the funeral service, etc. The day of the funeral, the pastor mentioned what a devoted daughter-in-law and caregiver my mom was, and she lost it. Whatever held back her tears gave way, and she had a good hard cry right there in the church. It is ok to let it all go, even in church. How dare anyone judge someone who is in mourning.

How long will your season of grief be? I have no idea. Your season will be what it is and will last for as long as it lasts. You will have to navigate it on your own. What about your brother? All were openly grieving but he went out with his buddies and played pool and had a few beers. If that is the path that his grief led him down (even if it was an attempt to dodge the reality of the situation) he still has to walk his own grief journey. Emotions and tempers can run a range all their own.

Whatever your grief journey is, you need not walk it alone. Support groups and counseling can help guide us through this challenging time. You don't get over your loss, you can't. What you learn is adjustment. The adjustment must be made no matter what, whether we like it or not. Life has changed because of the loss and some adjustments will simply happen circumstantially. The thing to remember is, you, your grief and your journey are as individual as you are.

Rev. Dr. Leon M. Roberts, As, Ms, MAR, M-Div, DD